Things aren't the way the're supposed to be. I've got so much more to say, but if I just start typing, this will take forever.
To anyone who may be accidentally reading this: I think that's just exactly what I'm going to do. I won't be offended if nobody reads this. I'm only on xanga because I forgot my journal on the bus. This is entirely for my benefit, if you happen to get something from my ramblings, bless God. People talk to me. One of the things I'm good at, in my oppinion, is listening, and asking questions. Recently, it doesn’t seem necessarily that people are complaining, but that they’re coming to me with genuine concerns that they think I’ll pray for. And within that, I see a tightly woven net of sin, that isn't letting much Jesus get through. Jesus is coming back. And if you look at His word, he’s coming back for a perfect bride. Right now we’re not her as a church. I look at the body, and we’re causing pain to one another. This denomination mocks that one. This youth group starts a competition with the other in fun, but someone takes it too far, and the devil sneeks into someone’s thoughts to try to steal their heart. I make a big deal of something that’s really not, and make my sister cry. My department takes an innocent action that someone misinterprets it as a power trip. I ignore a situation, hoping it will resolve itself. My sister can’t hear from Jesus, so she makes “good” decisions without him. As a church, we have been led away by persuasive words. We’ve been seduced by smooth talk, and we’re being led to our own painful slow death. We’ve given so much to “balance” that we’ve compromised our standards and we’re following a prostitute to her house. Inside we’re going to find pleasure, sure. But only for a time, and then we’ll have to deal with the consequences. I’ve held on to animosity and anger, and eventually hate, for so long, that when I listen for Jesus’ voice, all I can hear is “what about this situation.” I’ve kept this burden for myself, and nurtured this sin for so long that for months it has consumed me. And He warned me. About Thanksgiving time. I knew it. He told me. He told me. And now there’s a revival coming, and I’m afraid I’m going to miss it. And what’s more, I see that other people are going to miss it too. I’m so used to a spirit of bitterness, that I recognize him, and I see him everywhere. It’s like we’re stubborn kids, bound and determined to carry out our own plans, without bothering to talk to out parents who know better. We’ve given our loyalty to someone else, and it turns out to be a spirit of unforgiveness. We go to our usual places to find help (our friends, teachers, even those in our lives that are Godly), but we never talk to Jesus ourselves. This is what God says in Isaiah 30, 15. “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” This verse is just for me. I have salvation at my door: repentance. If I’m quiet, and trust God, I’ll have the strength to find him. But I choose to ignore him, and hold onto this sin in my heart. Revival is close. I feel it in my bones. But revival won’t come without repentance. If I will humble myself, and pray, and turn away from my wickedness, God will heal me. He will pour out His spirit on me, and I will experience Him in new ways. Visions, prophesy, love that I can’t understand. But right now my heart is arrogant and hardened with pride and bitterness. It's so easy to keep bitterness. It's hard to let it go. The hard things in life are hard.
Epiphany, I know.
But they’re also worth the effort. Lord,
I see how to choose you and your Spirit. I’m sick of hurting your heart.
Rise up in me a hatred for sin.
Teach me to love people, and to see them like you see them. Show me where real repentance is, and make a revival in my heart. Kindof for me, Lord, but also for the people around me. I see where it’s my sin holding the church back, and because of that you hold back the tide of your Spirit that you want to unleash on us. I’m a sinner God.
I need your forgiveness.
Forgive me Lord.
Take my life. Let me trust you to provide for today when I need it. You won’t provide everything for tomorrow until I need it. God, I can’t handle what you’ll drop in my lap in ten minutes, but you’ll provide for that time when you bring it around. God, let me live for eternity. With others in mind. The ones you love. Things aren't what they're supposed to be. Starting in me, God. Please give me the strength to choose you when it's hard. Be my God. Okay, didn't really flow the way I wanted, but now I feel like I can sleep. Still wish I wouldda had my journal for this. | 
